A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.

Being in Disney is like living inside all of the good parts of the movies. Unless you’re going to see Fantasmic, you won’t see much of the villains. However, as a child who was brought up on Disney movies, they have ill prepared me for the lies that I have found to be true from working in this fairy tale. In all of the movies, the animals are painted as the helpers for all of the lead characters. Mulan would have been lost without her dragon, horse and cricket. Cinderella even made mice lovable. And Snow White would have been up shit creek without her woodland creatures. Needless to say, I had high expectations for the Disney animals. What I was not prepared for was certain death.

It all began when I was shunned from the kitchen, Epcot maps in hand, Disney smile plastered on my face and terror in my eyes, for this was my first time with direct guest interaction without the safety of the counter in front of me. If a guest wanted to gouge my eyes out because there weren’t enough pickles on their sandwich, then they had an obstacle in their way. But without that safety, I had only my smile and dazzling personality with which to bring the magic to them. However, it turned out that the guests with their impossibly high standards and squint-eyed scrutiny would be a furlough compared to what the Disney wildlife had in store for me.

The stand I work at serves a copious amount of fries with a rather large entrée, therefore almost guaranteeing a surplus of fries, which draws in the birds. Ducks and a particular kind of bird from the stork family to be specific. The ducks, despite being chased away by bratty kids several times a day, have no real fear of humans. This became remarkably apparent when I went out for the aforementioned guest interaction session.

I had directed a couple to the International Gateway, lied myself into oblivion raving about the cuisine in Italy that I’ve never actually had (although I figured pasta was a pretty safe bet . it’s pretty hard to mess up), and had tried my hand at pin trading with a kid. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I noticed this duck approaching me. Now, the maps I was holding were blue and nothing akin to any kind of food, so this wasn’t a mislead duck. No, this duck had an agenda.

He stared me down, and when I didn’t do anything, began moving in toward me, all the while keeping eye contact. He would stop at intervals, presumably to give me a chance to do something, but I was too shocked at the remarkably humanlike qualities this duck was exhibiting. After the duck crossed the one foot threshold, I finally moved, feeling that if I got taken down by a duck in front of all of the guests, I would get a reprimand for ‘bad show’. All the while, the duck watched me walk away. Scoff if you want, say I’m being paranoid, but I know what I had with that duck was personal. I’m just working on the why part. But this duck was nothing compared to the squirrel.

There is a friendly neighborhood squirrel that lives behind our restaurant. On our breaks, we can usually find him lounging on top of our pipes, or scurrying though our tree. Once he even came to visit us inside the restaurant. Unfortunately he couldn’t stay too long, due to him being potentially disease ridden and all.  All in all, he seemed remotely harmless and slightly amusing.

Until today, that is. I was eating fries and reading my book, completely minding my own business when I look up, and a foot away from me, on the picnic table, our squirrel was staring me down. Or in particular, the fry I had poised in my hand, halfway to my mouth with pink sauce on it. I suppose I can’t really blame him, pink sauce is delicious, but no kind of culinary delight is worth storming the holder like it was Troy. This squirrel began darting at me, ignoring my waving hands trying to scare him away. He had no fear, only a mission. I was convinced by this point that perhaps this squirrel wanted more than just my food and I began to have an eerie feeling that he wanted my blood. As he approached the 3 inch mark, I freaked out, catapulted my fry at the squirrel while jumping up from the table, leaving a smear of pink sauce across the table and onto the squirrel’s face. He grabbed the fry and retreated, but I’m convinced he gave me a warning look as he left. My heart thumping, I vowed to never eat carbs at that picnic table again. Perhaps the squirrel was God’s way of getting me to consider Atkins or something, but it seemed a bit dramatic to me. I think a Celiac Disease diagnosis would have been less extreme.

I was told by a friend after this encounter, that he was going to buy me a slingshot. While Disney stresses non-violent conflict resolution, I’m thinking I might take my friend up on his offer. Just in case. Who knows what this conspiracy from the Disney animals could turn into? Soon my parents might get an awkward phone call from Disney saying the remains of their child was found pecked to death with feathers surrounding her head and a blood splattered message that says “David won this round”. Maybe the slingshot isn’t direct enough….

I’ll leave you with this. If you’re coming to Disney, remember this- try the pasta and STAY AWAY FROM THE ANIMALS!

This is a real video of the spoken of Squirrel. He attacked me again the day after his blog was posted. But this time, I came prepared.