A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.

Being in Disney is like living inside all of the good parts of the movies. Unless you’re going to see Fantasmic, you won’t see much of the villains. However, as a child who was brought up on Disney movies, they have ill prepared me for the lies that I have found to be true from working in this fairy tale. In all of the movies, the animals are painted as the helpers for all of the lead characters. Mulan would have been lost without her dragon, horse and cricket. Cinderella even made mice lovable. And Snow White would have been up shit creek without her woodland creatures. Needless to say, I had high expectations for the Disney animals. What I was not prepared for was certain death.

It all began when I was shunned from the kitchen, Epcot maps in hand, Disney smile plastered on my face and terror in my eyes, for this was my first time with direct guest interaction without the safety of the counter in front of me. If a guest wanted to gouge my eyes out because there weren’t enough pickles on their sandwich, then they had an obstacle in their way. But without that safety, I had only my smile and dazzling personality with which to bring the magic to them. However, it turned out that the guests with their impossibly high standards and squint-eyed scrutiny would be a furlough compared to what the Disney wildlife had in store for me.

The stand I work at serves a copious amount of fries with a rather large entrée, therefore almost guaranteeing a surplus of fries, which draws in the birds. Ducks and a particular kind of bird from the stork family to be specific. The ducks, despite being chased away by bratty kids several times a day, have no real fear of humans. This became remarkably apparent when I went out for the aforementioned guest interaction session.

I had directed a couple to the International Gateway, lied myself into oblivion raving about the cuisine in Italy that I’ve never actually had (although I figured pasta was a pretty safe bet . it’s pretty hard to mess up), and had tried my hand at pin trading with a kid. I was feeling pretty good about myself when I noticed this duck approaching me. Now, the maps I was holding were blue and nothing akin to any kind of food, so this wasn’t a mislead duck. No, this duck had an agenda.

He stared me down, and when I didn’t do anything, began moving in toward me, all the while keeping eye contact. He would stop at intervals, presumably to give me a chance to do something, but I was too shocked at the remarkably humanlike qualities this duck was exhibiting. After the duck crossed the one foot threshold, I finally moved, feeling that if I got taken down by a duck in front of all of the guests, I would get a reprimand for ‘bad show’. All the while, the duck watched me walk away. Scoff if you want, say I’m being paranoid, but I know what I had with that duck was personal. I’m just working on the why part. But this duck was nothing compared to the squirrel.

There is a friendly neighborhood squirrel that lives behind our restaurant. On our breaks, we can usually find him lounging on top of our pipes, or scurrying though our tree. Once he even came to visit us inside the restaurant. Unfortunately he couldn’t stay too long, due to him being potentially disease ridden and all.  All in all, he seemed remotely harmless and slightly amusing.

Until today, that is. I was eating fries and reading my book, completely minding my own business when I look up, and a foot away from me, on the picnic table, our squirrel was staring me down. Or in particular, the fry I had poised in my hand, halfway to my mouth with pink sauce on it. I suppose I can’t really blame him, pink sauce is delicious, but no kind of culinary delight is worth storming the holder like it was Troy. This squirrel began darting at me, ignoring my waving hands trying to scare him away. He had no fear, only a mission. I was convinced by this point that perhaps this squirrel wanted more than just my food and I began to have an eerie feeling that he wanted my blood. As he approached the 3 inch mark, I freaked out, catapulted my fry at the squirrel while jumping up from the table, leaving a smear of pink sauce across the table and onto the squirrel’s face. He grabbed the fry and retreated, but I’m convinced he gave me a warning look as he left. My heart thumping, I vowed to never eat carbs at that picnic table again. Perhaps the squirrel was God’s way of getting me to consider Atkins or something, but it seemed a bit dramatic to me. I think a Celiac Disease diagnosis would have been less extreme.

I was told by a friend after this encounter, that he was going to buy me a slingshot. While Disney stresses non-violent conflict resolution, I’m thinking I might take my friend up on his offer. Just in case. Who knows what this conspiracy from the Disney animals could turn into? Soon my parents might get an awkward phone call from Disney saying the remains of their child was found pecked to death with feathers surrounding her head and a blood splattered message that says “David won this round”. Maybe the slingshot isn’t direct enough….

I’ll leave you with this. If you’re coming to Disney, remember this- try the pasta and STAY AWAY FROM THE ANIMALS!

This is a real video of the spoken of Squirrel. He attacked me again the day after his blog was posted. But this time, I came prepared.

Pour the wine and cut the cheese!

There have been many impressive accomplishments in the world thus far. The pyramids, the fall of the Berlin wall, and cheese in a can to name a few. Things that people never thought would be possible, but through hard work and perseverance, they triumphed. But to hell with all of those.  I, Kylee Reynolds, have successfully passed my Fast Food Assessment. It should be recorded that this year I also kicked ass in a Shakespeare class; however, I think it’s clear which accomplishment is more impressive.

                Yes, folks. I can now pour beer and properly portion ice cream without supervision. The road to this triumph was anything but easy though. It included a lot of patience and marveling that Indiana still successfully functions as a state, a few key phrases in Portuguese and realization that sometimes bliss can be found in something as simple as watching a guest’s eyes light up when you hand them ice cream.

                My team consisted of a beautiful Brazilian whose hand on my shoulder was all that kept me from tearing the head off the third member of our team, an Indiana boy who sincerely needed a 72 hour hold. The three of us endured 2 weeks of seemingly obvious training. Our trainers were under no illusions that we were training for anything that required a lot of brain activity, and in that, we had a lot of time to get to know each other really well.

                This was great for most of the people. I talked about the beauty of chaos with a cast member with 7 kids, told a GT that he had dreamy eyes at least 10 times during one shift, lusted over Johnny Depp with several girls and learned key Portuguese and Spanish phrases from the International students. However, I listen to my mama. And something she always told me was that I was going to meet people that just needed to shut the fuck up. And I’d know who they were within 5 minutes of meeting them. The Indiana boy was one of those people. 

                I’ve never met a person that actually made me want to be a bad person. But after 10 minutes with him, all I wanted was for him to experience something unfortunate. He actually made me wish bad things for him because he just pushed my buttons every second of the day. There are certain people who think they are God’s gift to the world, and that no one had ever had any intelligence that could match theirs. These are generally the type of people that I trounce in Jeopardy and then enjoy watching them cry.

This was the Indiana boy, who spent the better part of a break one day trying to convince me that Christianity was a branch of Catholicism. My argument that he was backwards in his thinking fell on deaf ears. Needless to say, my immature move of locking him outside for 20 minutes was gladly received by everyone in the restaurant. Even my token burn from the fryers wasn’t as painful as a shift with him. My Brazilian’s constant presence, patience and appropriately timed eye rolls were all that kept me from being fired on account of my impending jail time from killing the Indiana boy.               

But today, when I was told that I had successfully earned my ears and was now capable of making magic with no trainer breathing down my neck was worth 2 weeks of enduring annoying co-workers and the ever present smell of grease. Well, almost. I am now optimistic that it someday will. This is more than I was last night.

So, to wrap up, 2 weeks have gone by and I am now a little worse for the wear but possess the ability to, you know, fry and stuff, which I’m sure will be the thing that my life has been missing. I’m convinced that these new skills are going to change everything. Having conquered this, I feel that anything else in my life that I try will be cake. Perhaps I will pursue a career as a neurosurgeon and moonlight as a corporate lawyer. Really, anything that I do, I can now do with the ease of the young boy on the flying trapeze.

Basically, watch out. I have a license to fry, and I’m not afraid to use it. Watch out Contessa, Kylee is flying solo.

"Ah, Salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend."

I am on a quest. But unlike Odysseus or Beowulf, my journey has no ending. That is, until the ultimate end. I am of course talking about my life long quest for a good time. At 20 years old, my quest has brought me to the Disney College Program.

The Disney College Program is, in theory, a place where college age students can come and learn work ethic and business prowess and hopefully take it back and apply it to their applicable major. As an English Major, there is really no ready relevance to my current schooling, but as I’m getting bald patches from tearing out my hair whenever I get asked about my future, I’m looking at this program as a way to forge a path into my adult life. And of course, do it in the most fun way possible.

Perhaps it’s all of the Disney Brainwashing that I’ve been privy to the past few days, but at this point in my life, I can’t think of anyone that impresses me more than Walt Disney. The man had an idea, and annoyed the crap out of people until he got what he wanted. When I do it, it’s called annoying. When Walt does it, it’s enterprising. He created this world with more attention to detail that you could possibly imagine. Look at the skyline of the World Showcase at EPCOT. Seem cohesive? Think it was a mistake? They matched the surrounding buildings to those of the most relevant country. Who would ever even think of that? No one would but Walt and his fabulously trained Imagineers.

I have been assigned to work in EPCOT, which I have just recently learned is an acronym for Experimental Project City of Tomorrow- Walt’s last big idea before God decided he wanted him back. His vision was carried out beautifully by those that he left behind, and that’s where I get to spend every day for the next 5 months.

Although I’m excited about working in his park and meeting all of the fabulous people, especially the ones from all over the world that I will see at the World Showcase, I have one small qualm. Looking at my outfit makes me nauseated. Seriously, your natural waistline was meant for belting dresses, not for wearing your pants. A good 3 inches above my belly button, I don’t think my pants have been there since my phase where I imitated Steve Urkel to illicit laughs from my friends. Still, I suppose if a hideously unfashionable outfit (that is Polyester, by the way) is my primary concern thus far, I’m not doing too badly.

I will be blogging about my experience here for the next 5 months. On the surface, I’m serving Mickey Mouse ice-cream to foreigners all day, but I’m convinced there’s going to be more to it than that. I’ve left the fabulous city of Chicago, my friends, and a predictable lifestyle and traded it in for a whirlwind of ethnicity, food and wine, and spontaneous adventures. These are the voyages of Kylee Reynolds, College Program participant. This is my story.